Friday, November 16, 2012

To give thanks, or not to give thanks... This is my honest question.

A lot of honesty coming at you here. People have told me they missed my blogs, but this is the closest I can come at the moment...maybe this is more like a journal, but who knows.

Roughly one year ago I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I did not realize this at the time, but now I wish I had, more than anything. This last year has been the hardest
year of my life, not just for this one reason, but for many really. I've been tried, tested,
and have failed time and time again. Like anything, once you start, it is hard to stop... Good or bad, but mostly bad. I believe Satan uses that and through that we make excuses
as to why this is ok. Overtime, unless convicted by God we begin to fall into that, and make it our "normal," convincing ourselves it is ok; all the while hurting ourselves, hurting
God, and hurting others.

Turning back the clock always makes me wish I could turn back time. But then I have to
remember that everything happens for a reason, and that everything is from God. I know
I can never take back this past year, although it is something I wish for every single day, and will probably continue to think about for a long time to come. While there are so
many things that I feel I have the "right to be ungrateful for," I also must keep reminding
myself of how much I do have to be thankful for. I struggle with that "being grateful for" part(One reason I started this blog in the first place) It is amazing when you lose
something of such importance, how much you realize you took that thing for granted, and
how much one thing can turn your whole world upside down and cause you to be
ungrateful in so many other areas of life. You start to complain, and then think, and then complain some more.. then think some more, and more, and more, continuing into

that downhill spiral of being an untrusting, unloving ungrateful person, turning to things like anger, frustration, self-centeredness, bitterness, and resentment, making one confused,
miserable, sad, lonely etc etc..., Then when you can't stand it anymore
you try to "change" and you can't. I have tried now for quite a long time to "change."
I have even gone to God for this change(The place we should go)...over and over
again, but apparently that isn't what he wanted, or at least not when I wanted it.
No, it had to go even further into the depths before I could finally realize my mistakes
and choices, all of them, whether big or little, right or wrong,  good or bad.. I used to be
a happy person, the happiest I had ever been really. I still had quite a few "complaints" but I sure didn't let them get the best of me. Now, I am probably the most ungrateful person
I know. Not counting my current health issues... I have a decent job, a place to live, food on my plate, a good amount of friends, family that loves me, a nice car, the ability to walk, talk, hear, see...I have a lot. Why can't I remember those things in my time of frustration. I do not know. Maybe, to be honest, it is because I really didn't asked for a single thing from that
list... I believe it was all given to me in God's timing and out of Gods love for me. I don't ask for much from God, at least not that I can think of. He has always blessed me, even before I know what I want, and before I have a clue of what I may need in the future. All in all, now that things have turned out so sour and others areas of life are questioned/ doubts arise... and I had finally asked God for a few things, they get ruined, completely and
utterly ruined, probably beyond repair. Where did my faith go, where did my trust in God go? Constant reminders of things said and done cannot be forgotten... While others are
left in their "happiness", I am left in my folly.

Deep down, I still am that same loving, caring, kind, and compassionate person; I've just seemed to misplace them...
In this time of "thanksgiving" I have found it hard to be thankful, but I must remember the small things which we take for granted on a daily basis. It is in those things we will find our utmost satisfaction.


sincerely,
the trying one


1 Thessalonians 5:18
Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.


2 Corinthians 4:15-16
All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

1 comment:

  1. TO GIVE THANKS! :)

    To my dear, "loving, kind, caring, compassionate person."... Things to remember:
    "Being confident of this very thing that, He who began a good work in you will perform, (or complete) it until the day of Jesus Christ." Phil. 1:6
    Keep on trying...letting Him "try" you, doing that work. Because, "you shall come forth as gold..." Job 23:10.
    Phil 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me."
    LOTS of LOVE,
    Mom

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