Tuesday, June 11, 2013
All things funny for English Class
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Where's the morning... I see only mourning.
I have discovered that I am so so bitter. Actually I have known this for awhile now.... I tried to push it away and tell myself this is not true. But I am bitter, very bitter, towards God, towards people "i used to know," and even others that I still "know." My last few posts, and surprisingly a reading from school showed me this. Bitterness is the root of all bitterness.... it is never ending, and will not satisfy your soul, but will keep asking for more... taking everything. Including Joy. Church today also made me think and look real hard into my life. I have no self control in certain areas. Actually I should say I do have some self control otherwise I would say and do way more than I already do. I blurt things out to the world at times... and I don't know why. But on the other hand I hold SO much inside. I have been hurt, royally hurt, excruciatingly hurt.. and continue to allow myself to still get hurt it seems, every time I turn around. Others I used to love hurt me and God hurt me. I have felt he has let me down. And not just a little, but a whole whole lot. Someone says God does not let us down but that He continually loves us. While I agree that he continually loves us, what does that have anything to do with him letting us down, or not letting us down. A million times I have asked him for something and a million times it has not happened. Now I know you say "you can't always get what you want" and that God is not a vending machine... I'll agree with that... However, before you go and again say that to my face, maybe you should ask just what exactly I am asking for. Then you would find that I am being let down, or at least you can see why I think I am being let down. God does what he wants, when he wants... what he is doing in my life... I see NO reason for it. The only thing I see it doing is EATING AWAY AT ME. If you want to kill me I'd prefer a quick short death and not something that drags on and on. This is ridiculous.
I try very hard to not be bitter, but find myself literally time and time again cursing at the one who has given me life. For I find that I have no real life in Him now, and that the life I once had is gone.. now to just be continually thrown back into my face. How can I not be bitter? How can I trust God? What is the point? I see none. I know to curse him is bad, but I also know he can take it, and I also know he already knows my heart before I ever even go there out loud, or in my head. "Curse God and die," was what Job's wife told him to do... Well I feel that even if he had cursed God, he surely would not have died.... which may very well be exactly what he wanted.
A song that keeps playing is "Before the Morning" it starts:
" Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you
If there's a God who loves you, where is He now?..."
and this is exactly what I wonder, every. day.- Where is God?
"Would you dare, would you dare to believe, That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you've been feeling, it can't compare to the joy that's coming..."
and that is what I can't believe. I had it good, and now that good is gone. I can't imagine it to ever
be better than it once was.... not a single bit.- What was so wrong with the before??
"Oh the pain that you've been feeling, is just the dark, before the morning."
and this "night" has been a million nights- Where is the morning?!??
Another song that won't stop playing on the radio is one they also play at church. I try to believe it
I try to sing along. Every time I start I choke up and then have to stop. I guess I don't fully agree with
this one either....
It's more about love never failing; I still don't get what this has to do with our trials... and his allowing
them.... ok so He loves me... so why then does he keep shoving things in my face. The chasm is far to
wide I can't believe I'll ever reach the other side. The wind is strong and the waters deep, the oceans rage.... your love never fails.... again how does his love have anything to do with trials? "You make all things work together for my good" I'm not seeing it.- Where is it? The good? The joy in the morning? You make all. things. work together for my good??
I am waiting.
I try very hard to not be bitter, but find myself literally time and time again cursing at the one who has given me life. For I find that I have no real life in Him now, and that the life I once had is gone.. now to just be continually thrown back into my face. How can I not be bitter? How can I trust God? What is the point? I see none. I know to curse him is bad, but I also know he can take it, and I also know he already knows my heart before I ever even go there out loud, or in my head. "Curse God and die," was what Job's wife told him to do... Well I feel that even if he had cursed God, he surely would not have died.... which may very well be exactly what he wanted.
A song that keeps playing is "Before the Morning" it starts:
" Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you
If there's a God who loves you, where is He now?..."
and this is exactly what I wonder, every. day.- Where is God?
"Would you dare, would you dare to believe, That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you've been feeling, it can't compare to the joy that's coming..."
and that is what I can't believe. I had it good, and now that good is gone. I can't imagine it to ever
be better than it once was.... not a single bit.- What was so wrong with the before??
"Oh the pain that you've been feeling, is just the dark, before the morning."
and this "night" has been a million nights- Where is the morning?!??
Another song that won't stop playing on the radio is one they also play at church. I try to believe it
I try to sing along. Every time I start I choke up and then have to stop. I guess I don't fully agree with
this one either....
It's more about love never failing; I still don't get what this has to do with our trials... and his allowing
them.... ok so He loves me... so why then does he keep shoving things in my face. The chasm is far to
wide I can't believe I'll ever reach the other side. The wind is strong and the waters deep, the oceans rage.... your love never fails.... again how does his love have anything to do with trials? "You make all things work together for my good" I'm not seeing it.- Where is it? The good? The joy in the morning? You make all. things. work together for my good??
I am waiting.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Hate today and most days...
You may think of me as strange, messed up, annoying.... But I dont care. I hate today. The 26th of every month is a reminder of that.... Every time it comes around means another month has yet gone by... Another month WASTED. While you sit there in your "happy" little bubble of a life I continue to struggle with life. You say I have nothing to complain about... Try me. 7 months of my life... Wasted. In fact I am beginning to feel that the past 3 years of my life was for nothing. It was good... But I think now, none of it was worth it. Only heartache came from it. What a waste what a waste what a waste. Please stop pretending you give a _____ about me... I try so hard to not care, to not "go there" Itell myself you are just screwing with me again... And sure enough you are. Why do you get everything.... And what makes you think it's fair. FML---- I hope it RAINS on you....
Monday, April 22, 2013
Enter only if you dare, otherwise I recommend you not to.
*Since when did it become unacceptable for me to simply thank someone for something they have done, and tell them I appreciate them??!!
*Since when did it become unacceptable for me to be able to share my feelings, or how I feel, but others can?!
*Since when is it acceptable for you to push your beliefs and opinion on me, but when you ask what I think my answers are, my honest answers are unacceptable to you.
*Since when is it ALL ABOUT YOU and can't at all be about me?!
*Since when is it acceptable for someone to burn the bridge between you without valid reason, yet still try and "build" that bridge back again.... Only to continually tear it back down barely five minutes later. Make up your mind already.. Please. How is it at all acceptable, kind even, for one to do such a thing. What do you want from me?.... Or is not what you want from me, or what you may get out of it, but what you can steal from me?? Peace, happiness...Since when is it acceptable not only for you to burn the bridge, pick it back up and then burn it again and again.. All the while telling me nothing that i want to hear, but only thethings I do not wish to hear(because you think its a good idea)things you know good and well I do not want to hear, and really, do not even matter. Again, what is it you want from me? If you only do these things to try and kill me, you are doing a good job. If you are only doing these things to hurt me and make me jealous, again you are doing a good job. You can stop at any time.
*Since when is it unacceptable for me to, share feelings over blog or Facebook?! *Since when is it acceptable for you to always respond to what I say instead of just listen...
*Since when is it that I am always wrong and need to "check myself?" If you had the problems I had, you would understand.... But instead, you don't try to seem to understand, and I am left feeling empty and alone...yet again.
*Since when is it acceptable or fair for one to tell me some story or reason as to how and why somethig is happening... When I do not care. Why do you think I would care. Live your life and leave me alone please... Unless of course you choose to be genuine and actually make an effort to care about me and my feelings.
*Since when is it fair that 90% of those I care for do not reciprocate those feelings back anymore, but deny that I basically even exsist.
*Since when is it acceptable again... For you to pretend you care, when you do not... Or when it is only "convenient for you to do so?!" Since when did this become an appropriate thing to do to someone. I don't care how "busy" you are with life.... Either treat me as a friend or don't. Do not just drop me off at the end of the earth amd then lead me on into thinking you care. No, I will no longer send you emails, texts, cards, birthday wishes until I see that you actually appreciate them. It's like I never knew you. What ever did I do to you? I see now how I must have initiated everything. I'll never do that again... Probably with no one. I will not risk getting hurt or let down by those that do not truly care about me in the first place. I respect your feelings... Whatever those are... Why can't you respect mine??
So many questions I have that will always and forever be unanswered. How unfair is this??.... This life that has been placed before me; sure, lots of folks have much less than I, but to be given something and to have that ripped away, it's cruel, cruel and unusual punishment. A lesson I'd rarer not have to learn(whatever that "lesson" may be) If its going to be taken away then don't give it to me in the first place. Better yet, if you are going to "take it," then take it.... Please don't continually punish and haunt me for what I am trying to not remember.
And "not remember" is something that will never happen.... Because someone won't let me forget... Or maybe like they say it will just take time. My calculations tell me it has been____ amount of time. So I still have time left before I can forget and move on.
Don't mind me, as you can tell I am in a mood today. It is April 22nd 2013 and I am remembering this time last year.... And the year before.... And the year before that. A lot has come and gone between now and then, maybe this time next yr this will all be over. For now I'll just continue to rant when I feel the need too. Don't worry about me- someday this will all be over and then I shall be happy. WOOT
*Since when did it become unacceptable for me to be able to share my feelings, or how I feel, but others can?!
*Since when is it acceptable for you to push your beliefs and opinion on me, but when you ask what I think my answers are, my honest answers are unacceptable to you.
*Since when is it ALL ABOUT YOU and can't at all be about me?!
*Since when is it acceptable for someone to burn the bridge between you without valid reason, yet still try and "build" that bridge back again.... Only to continually tear it back down barely five minutes later. Make up your mind already.. Please. How is it at all acceptable, kind even, for one to do such a thing. What do you want from me?.... Or is not what you want from me, or what you may get out of it, but what you can steal from me?? Peace, happiness...Since when is it acceptable not only for you to burn the bridge, pick it back up and then burn it again and again.. All the while telling me nothing that i want to hear, but only thethings I do not wish to hear(because you think its a good idea)things you know good and well I do not want to hear, and really, do not even matter. Again, what is it you want from me? If you only do these things to try and kill me, you are doing a good job. If you are only doing these things to hurt me and make me jealous, again you are doing a good job. You can stop at any time.
*Since when is it unacceptable for me to, share feelings over blog or Facebook?! *Since when is it acceptable for you to always respond to what I say instead of just listen...
*Since when is it that I am always wrong and need to "check myself?" If you had the problems I had, you would understand.... But instead, you don't try to seem to understand, and I am left feeling empty and alone...yet again.
*Since when is it acceptable or fair for one to tell me some story or reason as to how and why somethig is happening... When I do not care. Why do you think I would care. Live your life and leave me alone please... Unless of course you choose to be genuine and actually make an effort to care about me and my feelings.
*Since when is it fair that 90% of those I care for do not reciprocate those feelings back anymore, but deny that I basically even exsist.
*Since when is it acceptable again... For you to pretend you care, when you do not... Or when it is only "convenient for you to do so?!" Since when did this become an appropriate thing to do to someone. I don't care how "busy" you are with life.... Either treat me as a friend or don't. Do not just drop me off at the end of the earth amd then lead me on into thinking you care. No, I will no longer send you emails, texts, cards, birthday wishes until I see that you actually appreciate them. It's like I never knew you. What ever did I do to you? I see now how I must have initiated everything. I'll never do that again... Probably with no one. I will not risk getting hurt or let down by those that do not truly care about me in the first place. I respect your feelings... Whatever those are... Why can't you respect mine??
So many questions I have that will always and forever be unanswered. How unfair is this??.... This life that has been placed before me; sure, lots of folks have much less than I, but to be given something and to have that ripped away, it's cruel, cruel and unusual punishment. A lesson I'd rarer not have to learn(whatever that "lesson" may be) If its going to be taken away then don't give it to me in the first place. Better yet, if you are going to "take it," then take it.... Please don't continually punish and haunt me for what I am trying to not remember.
And "not remember" is something that will never happen.... Because someone won't let me forget... Or maybe like they say it will just take time. My calculations tell me it has been____ amount of time. So I still have time left before I can forget and move on.
Don't mind me, as you can tell I am in a mood today. It is April 22nd 2013 and I am remembering this time last year.... And the year before.... And the year before that. A lot has come and gone between now and then, maybe this time next yr this will all be over. For now I'll just continue to rant when I feel the need too. Don't worry about me- someday this will all be over and then I shall be happy. WOOT
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
"bad life choices" are not always bad.
March 23rd 2013---
I wrote this, last Saturday but never got around to posting.
Today I got a tattoo... A cross on my left wrist. As I sat there and watched Neil tattoo it on me, we discussed life. I could tell he was extremely bitter about his life, his job, his past and those around him. He asked if I was nervous about the tattoo, and why I wanted it. Honestly, I told him I wasn't sure as to my reasoning's, but was working on it. At first I thought maybe it was to "rebel," or maybe to state just who I am and what I believe in. Not until a few hours later while sitting in a Fred Meyer parking lot did I realize the reasoning behind my wanting the tattoo. I believe the talk with Neil, my appointment earlier that morning, as well as other hints throughout the day, made me see my true reasoning for wanting this permanent symbol upon my wrist. I stared at it for probably 10 minutes just thinking and praying...
It seems I have lost myself this past year... Right when I thought I was starting to "know myself" I completely lost it, or maybe just "misplaced" me. I still don't know where I went... :) This is the journey I am currently on... "re finding" myself and being OK with who I am, what I believe in, and what I strive to be. Allowing myself to be me, and not to allow others to try and tell me different.
I want this tattoo to be a constant reminder of my last year. Everything I have lost, everything I have gained, heartaches and all. I've lost a lot of me, but I've also grown to find a lot of a "new" me as well... Who I am, what I was, and who I want to continue to be. I hope it will be a daily reminder of God's love for me, and His control over my life, if I let Him have all of it. I don't know what is next for me... in any area of my life, in fact, I give up trying to figure it out. God brings things your way, and then he takes them away. I guess only He knows why those things happen. I know what I want, but if it's not what God wants, then so be it. May He take all the longings and desires I have away, and do his work. I will not let what has gotten me down, bring me down any longer. I'd like to think that my constant thoughts will change things... BUT THEY WON'T. It only makes things worse.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, this has been, and will continue to be a hard process. I am not one to just "give up" and move on. But this is also my downfall. To give up and move on sounds like a terrible thing to do. But I need to also remember that "giving up" is more a "giving over" to God. And you have to be OK with whatever that answer is, whatever the outcome... even if you don't want it. I feel like if you really want to make something work, you HAVE to keep trying... You can't give up.. Even if it is hard, if you know its right... it's what you must do. I pray every time I see the cross, I will be reminded of this. This new and uncertain path that I have chosen.... the path God has chosen for me, as rocky as it may be.
I'll admit it, I am still angry/disappointed at God. I still have a million unanswered questions. As much as I want to give up, and am not really sure I want to follow God anymore, I also know now is the time to completely trust Him. I just need to figure out how to do this. I have spent a lot of time lately trying to run from God... yet he keeps reeling me back in.. and it works, because I know that nothing will change His mind and in the end what he says apparently is what goes.
This cross will be a sign, a sign of trust, a sign of love, forgiveness, mercy and grace... a new beginning. I imagine the cross as a "T" for trusting in the one who knows best. In hoping I trust in Him every day.
I wrote this, last Saturday but never got around to posting.
Today I got a tattoo... A cross on my left wrist. As I sat there and watched Neil tattoo it on me, we discussed life. I could tell he was extremely bitter about his life, his job, his past and those around him. He asked if I was nervous about the tattoo, and why I wanted it. Honestly, I told him I wasn't sure as to my reasoning's, but was working on it. At first I thought maybe it was to "rebel," or maybe to state just who I am and what I believe in. Not until a few hours later while sitting in a Fred Meyer parking lot did I realize the reasoning behind my wanting the tattoo. I believe the talk with Neil, my appointment earlier that morning, as well as other hints throughout the day, made me see my true reasoning for wanting this permanent symbol upon my wrist. I stared at it for probably 10 minutes just thinking and praying...
It seems I have lost myself this past year... Right when I thought I was starting to "know myself" I completely lost it, or maybe just "misplaced" me. I still don't know where I went... :) This is the journey I am currently on... "re finding" myself and being OK with who I am, what I believe in, and what I strive to be. Allowing myself to be me, and not to allow others to try and tell me different.
I want this tattoo to be a constant reminder of my last year. Everything I have lost, everything I have gained, heartaches and all. I've lost a lot of me, but I've also grown to find a lot of a "new" me as well... Who I am, what I was, and who I want to continue to be. I hope it will be a daily reminder of God's love for me, and His control over my life, if I let Him have all of it. I don't know what is next for me... in any area of my life, in fact, I give up trying to figure it out. God brings things your way, and then he takes them away. I guess only He knows why those things happen. I know what I want, but if it's not what God wants, then so be it. May He take all the longings and desires I have away, and do his work. I will not let what has gotten me down, bring me down any longer. I'd like to think that my constant thoughts will change things... BUT THEY WON'T. It only makes things worse.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, this has been, and will continue to be a hard process. I am not one to just "give up" and move on. But this is also my downfall. To give up and move on sounds like a terrible thing to do. But I need to also remember that "giving up" is more a "giving over" to God. And you have to be OK with whatever that answer is, whatever the outcome... even if you don't want it. I feel like if you really want to make something work, you HAVE to keep trying... You can't give up.. Even if it is hard, if you know its right... it's what you must do. I pray every time I see the cross, I will be reminded of this. This new and uncertain path that I have chosen.... the path God has chosen for me, as rocky as it may be.
I'll admit it, I am still angry/disappointed at God. I still have a million unanswered questions. As much as I want to give up, and am not really sure I want to follow God anymore, I also know now is the time to completely trust Him. I just need to figure out how to do this. I have spent a lot of time lately trying to run from God... yet he keeps reeling me back in.. and it works, because I know that nothing will change His mind and in the end what he says apparently is what goes.
This cross will be a sign, a sign of trust, a sign of love, forgiveness, mercy and grace... a new beginning. I imagine the cross as a "T" for trusting in the one who knows best. In hoping I trust in Him every day.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Rice Krispies
Dear flakes--- I love how you make me feel so unimportant. Thanks. How was I so blind into thinking that you cared.
38 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’[a] 39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.
38 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’[a] 39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Intriguing Series
Another good sermon from yesterdays "sex talk" from the sermon series: "Pursuit of Intimacy in a Broken World.
"Your sexual ethic is never just about you."
Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
Thanks Richard
"Your sexual ethic is never just about you."
Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
Thanks Richard
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Another one bites the dust
Normally I wouldn't write about this type of thing... however something really caught my attention in this and it made me think/wonder about many things having to do with the so called "dating scene."
Why do we date...?? Is it in hopes to meet that special someone, someone whom we can possibly share the rest of our lives with, someone who makes us laugh, someone we can relate too? Someone we can share all our deepest and darkest secrets with? Maybe it's someone we can have fun with, or treats us nice... or maybe we are are just so co-dependant and being with someone makes us feel good, or special.. maybe we are hoping to marry them, start a family, or maybe we are just in it for the ride..(a good time) maybe they are right for us, maybe they are wrong for us... maybe its a little bit of both.
Whatever the reason for dating, and whether our intentions are good or bad I believe this is something almost all of us long for..... That person we can share our deepest heart with, someone that "gets us" someone we can call our best friend, someone whom we can have fights and struggles with, yet is WILLING to go through that with you in hopes that things come out better at the end. As a christian girl, someone who loves God and is concerned about whom I end up with in life I think about a lot of this stuff daily. Who and what is the "right" for me. I don't just want someone who I have a thing or two in common with, and I don't just want someone who is good looking, super intelligent or makes a lot of money. I don't just want someone that makes me "feel good" at all the right times. Honestly, after yesterday, I find that you CAN find that in non christian... but don't get me wrong... there is more to it than just "feeling good." I believe you have to think of the big picture, and not just where you are "in the moment" or in a year from now... I try to imagine myself, and that future person raising children, having a family, having good morals(the same morals) etc etc I'm sure there are a lot of guys out there who have a lot of these qualities... but in the end what really matters? As I search(or don't search) that is what I ask myself.
I find it crazy that a man can be amazing, yet so wrong at the same time... this makes me hope that there really is still someone out there for me that has all the "right" qualities I am looking for, and not just someone who has a "good majority" of them. It's crazy how I have found that in non christian guys as of late. They have everything except the one thing that matters most.. I find it crazy that they are so willing to be honest about you, and about how they feel... and that they will actually ask you out... In my experience.. the typical "church guy" doesn't do this... it is soo strange to me why this is. I guess what really gets me also is when they are not honest when it comes to "wanting to hang out again" or where they'd like to see the relationship go next. Non Christians are straight up serious about what they want, or the potential they see or don't see in the relationship. What is it that Christian men are so afraid of with honesty?! Please don't think I am "bashing" those of you out there who I know... This really isn't what I am getting at. It's just amazing how hard it is to find someone... who doesn't want to just "sleep around" (even if it is just with one person) or who actually takes their faith seriously and isn't just a hypocrite about it... someone who knows what they want, someone who is honest with you, and with God.. someone who makes mistakes and is willing to admit it.. to know that they and you are not perfect.
I could actually probably go on and on about the "dating thing" but I'll refrain.... this is just the wanderings of my mind as of late.... and things I question...
Sincerely,
the waiting one(in MANY areas of my life) I'd rather wait--- than waste time dating--the wrong one
Why do we date...?? Is it in hopes to meet that special someone, someone whom we can possibly share the rest of our lives with, someone who makes us laugh, someone we can relate too? Someone we can share all our deepest and darkest secrets with? Maybe it's someone we can have fun with, or treats us nice... or maybe we are are just so co-dependant and being with someone makes us feel good, or special.. maybe we are hoping to marry them, start a family, or maybe we are just in it for the ride..(a good time) maybe they are right for us, maybe they are wrong for us... maybe its a little bit of both.
Whatever the reason for dating, and whether our intentions are good or bad I believe this is something almost all of us long for..... That person we can share our deepest heart with, someone that "gets us" someone we can call our best friend, someone whom we can have fights and struggles with, yet is WILLING to go through that with you in hopes that things come out better at the end. As a christian girl, someone who loves God and is concerned about whom I end up with in life I think about a lot of this stuff daily. Who and what is the "right" for me. I don't just want someone who I have a thing or two in common with, and I don't just want someone who is good looking, super intelligent or makes a lot of money. I don't just want someone that makes me "feel good" at all the right times. Honestly, after yesterday, I find that you CAN find that in non christian... but don't get me wrong... there is more to it than just "feeling good." I believe you have to think of the big picture, and not just where you are "in the moment" or in a year from now... I try to imagine myself, and that future person raising children, having a family, having good morals(the same morals) etc etc I'm sure there are a lot of guys out there who have a lot of these qualities... but in the end what really matters? As I search(or don't search) that is what I ask myself.
I find it crazy that a man can be amazing, yet so wrong at the same time... this makes me hope that there really is still someone out there for me that has all the "right" qualities I am looking for, and not just someone who has a "good majority" of them. It's crazy how I have found that in non christian guys as of late. They have everything except the one thing that matters most.. I find it crazy that they are so willing to be honest about you, and about how they feel... and that they will actually ask you out... In my experience.. the typical "church guy" doesn't do this... it is soo strange to me why this is. I guess what really gets me also is when they are not honest when it comes to "wanting to hang out again" or where they'd like to see the relationship go next. Non Christians are straight up serious about what they want, or the potential they see or don't see in the relationship. What is it that Christian men are so afraid of with honesty?! Please don't think I am "bashing" those of you out there who I know... This really isn't what I am getting at. It's just amazing how hard it is to find someone... who doesn't want to just "sleep around" (even if it is just with one person) or who actually takes their faith seriously and isn't just a hypocrite about it... someone who knows what they want, someone who is honest with you, and with God.. someone who makes mistakes and is willing to admit it.. to know that they and you are not perfect.
I could actually probably go on and on about the "dating thing" but I'll refrain.... this is just the wanderings of my mind as of late.... and things I question...
Sincerely,
the waiting one(in MANY areas of my life) I'd rather wait--- than waste time dating--the wrong one
So I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
That tethered mind free from the lies
But I'll kneel down
Wait for now
I'll kneel down
Know my ground
Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow
Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
That tethered mind free from the lies
But I'll kneel down
Wait for now
I'll kneel down
Know my ground
Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow
Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
A common-unity; the state of "common" interests
While this was originally a blog to help an ungrateful person see every area in which one could be grateful, I've decided it is now just a place to blog about the matters of ones heart and soul. Like I said in my new years blog, this year WILL be different.
Much has been on my mind as of late, but one thing that stands out to me most is my longing for Community. The topic at church for the next few months is on Intimacy and Community, and how we as humans have been created to take part in both of these. As Christians, I feel a good community is a life giving opportunity we have the privilege to partake in. A place to get to know each other, a place to have fun, a place to share, a place to go deeper. I myself, until now, have never realized just how much this can mean to a person, to a group as a whole, and how much one can give and receive while being a part of this gift from God. It is not something you can get from ONE person alone, but a group of intentional people having common bonds. It seems at times, we never realize what we have till it's gone.
I've honestly never had to "search" for community, it has always fallen into my lap.
It's that person that:
*Stalks you via FaceBook and then becomes a life long friend.
*Youv'e barely just met who share's an umbrella with you in the freezing rain.
* You meet at Happy Hour over a beer, and years later having them give you words of wisdom and encouragement, in time of crisis, confusion, heartache and struggle.
* Happens to have a "crush" on the same person as you and becoming best friends instantly.
* You randomly throw gummy worms at who later becomes your roommate.
* You rarely get the chance to talk to, but ALWAYS wants to know how YOU are doing.
It's people like these that you want , and hope to know..... forever.
I thank God for always having brought me just what I need, when I need it, because searching for it can be exhausting, and having the real thing I believe, can sometimes take a lifetime. I long for a place to "call home" a place where one can feel free to say what they think, to share the deepest darkest "secrets" a place to feel loved no matter what, no matter who you are or what you have done. I think this is always something that I have been wanting and searching for my whole life. A place to love, and feel loved, a place to serve and be served, a place to grow, as well as help others grow. I don't know about you, but this is what I long for. I feel people these days may say they want this, but in the end I don't think they know what it truely means. I don't think people are willing to be that open, that vulnerable, for fear of what others might think.
Today I thank God for the cummunity I once had, and I pray that God will again bring me this kind of community, joy, happiness,friendships, and intimacy.
Romans 12:9-10
Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.
Much has been on my mind as of late, but one thing that stands out to me most is my longing for Community. The topic at church for the next few months is on Intimacy and Community, and how we as humans have been created to take part in both of these. As Christians, I feel a good community is a life giving opportunity we have the privilege to partake in. A place to get to know each other, a place to have fun, a place to share, a place to go deeper. I myself, until now, have never realized just how much this can mean to a person, to a group as a whole, and how much one can give and receive while being a part of this gift from God. It is not something you can get from ONE person alone, but a group of intentional people having common bonds. It seems at times, we never realize what we have till it's gone.
I've honestly never had to "search" for community, it has always fallen into my lap.
It's that person that:
*Stalks you via FaceBook and then becomes a life long friend.
*Youv'e barely just met who share's an umbrella with you in the freezing rain.
* You meet at Happy Hour over a beer, and years later having them give you words of wisdom and encouragement, in time of crisis, confusion, heartache and struggle.
* Happens to have a "crush" on the same person as you and becoming best friends instantly.
* You randomly throw gummy worms at who later becomes your roommate.
* You rarely get the chance to talk to, but ALWAYS wants to know how YOU are doing.
It's people like these that you want , and hope to know..... forever.
I thank God for always having brought me just what I need, when I need it, because searching for it can be exhausting, and having the real thing I believe, can sometimes take a lifetime. I long for a place to "call home" a place where one can feel free to say what they think, to share the deepest darkest "secrets" a place to feel loved no matter what, no matter who you are or what you have done. I think this is always something that I have been wanting and searching for my whole life. A place to love, and feel loved, a place to serve and be served, a place to grow, as well as help others grow. I don't know about you, but this is what I long for. I feel people these days may say they want this, but in the end I don't think they know what it truely means. I don't think people are willing to be that open, that vulnerable, for fear of what others might think.
Today I thank God for the cummunity I once had, and I pray that God will again bring me this kind of community, joy, happiness,friendships, and intimacy.
A common unity that is CHRIST
John 13:34-35
So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples."Romans 12:9-10
Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.
Philippians 2:4
Don't look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.Saturday, January 19, 2013
All things..... good?
Today I thank God.. for the friends I have lost, times once shared, men I have not dated... and whatever it is that is still yet to come my way. Here's hoping for the best, but if not, then so be it.
Cause I need Freedom now You've gotta get up and
And I need to know how Try try try
To live my life as it's meant to be
Gotta get up and try try try
And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again
Romans 8:28
The Message (MSG)
26-28 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves
Monday, December 31, 2012
Good riddance 2012.....
It's hard to believe this year has come and gone, and has ended like it's ended. I used to have so much; it's amazing the amount of things you can lose in such a short amount of time.
I've realized I wasted all of my life last year on something that would clearly never change...This kills me daily. This year I plan to change that which I know can be changed, and no longer try to fix things that oviously cannot be fixed. I will try to trust God with whatever it is that he has for me in this life, even if it isn't what I want, even though I haven't a clue what that is, or what it is He is trying to show me. I know this will not be easy, and as much as I want it, I know it will not happen overnight. I expect there to still be times of struggle and frustration ahead, but I will try to no long focus upon that. In order to heal, this must be done. I only pray that some good will come from this year, and am hoping for new beginnings in many areas of my life. Praying that God will again grant me what he once granted me a few short years ago... Life and happiness, in whatever form he chooses for that to be.
When you can't get what you want.... Make your own adventure, even if it has to be alone.
old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.
I've realized I wasted all of my life last year on something that would clearly never change...This kills me daily. This year I plan to change that which I know can be changed, and no longer try to fix things that oviously cannot be fixed. I will try to trust God with whatever it is that he has for me in this life, even if it isn't what I want, even though I haven't a clue what that is, or what it is He is trying to show me. I know this will not be easy, and as much as I want it, I know it will not happen overnight. I expect there to still be times of struggle and frustration ahead, but I will try to no long focus upon that. In order to heal, this must be done. I only pray that some good will come from this year, and am hoping for new beginnings in many areas of my life. Praying that God will again grant me what he once granted me a few short years ago... Life and happiness, in whatever form he chooses for that to be.
When you can't get what you want.... Make your own adventure, even if it has to be alone.
old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.
A note to me: Remember who you are.
and What do I stand for---- Most nights I don’t know…. anymoooooore or do I???
I was once told somewhere along the line that basically I
"grew up" in the "wrong" way not learning about "real
life" in a "real way"... Or something like that. At least this
is how I perceived it. This
made me think that everything I had learned and been taught was wrong, and that because I was/ am very different than this person that I was not brought up "correctly." Yes it is true, I do not agree
with a lot of my upbringing, I do not think the same as my parents in many aspects. I did however
listen to them and "try" and respect what they taught me, and what they thought the Bible had to say about many a things in life... I do, or did agree, with much of what the Bible has taught, or so
called taught us... Lately however I have been questioning much. I have read books that point out certain areas in my life and viewpoints that may or may not be the best to follow. This person
basically made me question who I really am, and made me feel as though all my opinions were wrong and WHO I am is wrong and that I shouldn't be so harsh and upfront about things. I get it now, everyone is different and everyone will have a different viewpoint on everything. It doesn't really matter apparently if I am right, or they are right, or visa versa... In the end I guess God is truly the only one who really knows what is right and wrong... and apparently that is what "Free will"
is all about. Free will, the biggest mistake ever I think... and Hey, I am just being completely honest
here. I am tired of hiding my thoughts and opinions, and frankly I am tired of people
telling me that I don't know what I believe in, or what I believe in is wrong, or the fact that I even have an opinion that may differ from theirs is wrong. Very rarely will you
find me throwing my opinions on anyone and rarely will you find me judging a person..
I do, and have on occasion done this a time or two, and yes at times I have gone to far, but I am human, so what... We all make mistakes, whether big, or small. All this to say,
I DO... for the most part know who I am... or at least I used to know. I question almost everything now, and at times wonder what the point in any of it is anyways. Life is
about doing your own thing and getting what you want isn't it, even if a said "line" has to
be crossed to get there. Whatever makes you happy.... This is usually called sin, of some sort I would imagine. So this is me, this is ALL of ME This is for me and by me.. this is WHO I am, or at least who I was. Pardon my french if any is to come out, but again I am being REAL here and am not wishing to hide one single thing.
This last year has taught me so much, or really it has just
made me realize what I am about. With certain issues that have formed in my
life, this election year, and me
not really knowing what I want to do in life I decided to
write out my thoughts and opinions on anything and everything, holding nothing
back. Where to start.....
Politics- I truly hate politics, it is nothing but a bunch of bad mouthing happening toward one party to another. They all lie whether a R or a D, I most guarantee that.
Some say it is my "right" or "duty" to vote. I say "what's the point?" The world is literally going to hell in a hand basket, and I believe in Revelation, it basically talks about
how the world will keep going into a downhill spiral until Jesus returns.
Granted I do agree that on some issues I probably should have a say in them, otherwise maybe it would seem that I "agree" with them if I do not vote one way or another. I am
not entirely sure my vote counts since I am only one person, but I guess if everyone did that then it would make a difference. Also, living inSeattle Washington
What makes me sad and angry is when people of the faith vote for and are ok with certain
issues.. issues that without a doubt are wrong. Read the Bible, anyone can see that certain
issues are right or wrong. Even a kindergartner can figure it out, unless your Bible is not
the same Bible I am reading. Granted, some things are not 100% clear, and I get that, but to be ok with the things that are, just for the sake of living your life and doing what you feel to be right... not the best idea. But like they say "Whatever floats your boat"....
Who am I to judge you on what you do or think. Just know, that if you ask me anything, and I do mean anything, I WILL tell you my opinion whether you like the answer or
not. You ask, I am telling... do not judge me for thinking so strongly on these opinions. Abortion, gay marriage, Drugs, gun control, etc etc... I'll tell you what I think, but
now, only if you ask me... which I doubt will happen, because it seems no one talks about REAL issues anymore, no one cares to tell anyone what they think, for fear of hurting
someones feelings... I am all for being honest 100% honest, and I will tell you what
I think, if it hurts you then that is not my problem. I say what I believe and I have reasons to back it. Veering away from the politics of it all.. apparently Marijuana is legal now...
maybe I'll try that out.. because according to some it's "no big deal"... And if the law says it's ok, well then it must be ok with God then also right.... Hit me up bro I need to light one up tonight. Maybe this joint will take all my heartache of this past year away---- for about 5 seconds!...
Friendships-- I value them deeply, probably more than I should. Sometimes I wonder if people realize how much I get from their friendships... I'm a "quality time" person. I have a heart for people, and I'll be honest, I have more a heart for those of the faith than I do for those not of the faith. I strive to see those people make good choices for their lives, and it is sad when they do not. Sometimes I let that
get the best of me and in turn wish I didn't care so much. But it's who I am and who God made me;
what else can I do?!?
Ealier I mentioned not agreeing with everything I grew up with, and it's true. I am fairly certain my parents probably had the best of intentions, but clearly I wonder if they just continue to pass on what
their parents told them, which their parents told from them.. and so on.. Who knows what really
is right or wrong anymore...(sorry parents-- but again I am being honest) I've been reading
a book about growing up in a Christain home, and although the author of the book was brought up in an extremely legelistic home, a lot of the book still resonated with me. Who says I can't listen to "rock" music... yes you are right, this song is NO hymn, but I like it, and it still has plently of meaning where that came from. The WORDS in my opinion are what matters. It's funny how a "softer" song can sound so apealing until you listen to the words and realize it's all about drugs,
sex and alcohol. I'm sorry, but if my Jars of Clay, or Switchfoot "Dare you to move" then so be
it... Dance away!! Oh dancing... another story in itself, and yet again another thing I was not allowed to do that was "worldy"---- along with movies, but only when at the theater(or at least for a while this
was true) Drinking, now drinking is another story-- The bible must, SOMEWHERE say very. clearly.
that this is wrong... EHHHh wrong again, I am pretty certain it says " do not get drunk on wine"
Hey, when in Rome, do as Romans do... even my pastor said that. It's all about HOW you do it I think. So it's a glorified fruit drink, will I go to hell for drinking it? I don't believe so, because
the Bible doesn't make that clear like it does with lieing, murder, hating people etc etc... Hmm reminding me; The Bible, why is it so confusing? I can honestly see why some people don't know
how to take it. It can be so incredibly clear at times, that you wonder how on earth anyone can
get it wrong, but then at other times it can be so incredibly confusing makeing you wonder what
on earth is trying to be pushed or said. I will never understand why some issues are addressed so plainly, while others are seemingly left up to us to decide. No wonder we make such poor decisions as human beings. There is a lot now that I have been questioning and wondering about myself.
Things that make me go AHHHH. Like... lets say relationships for example. Nope, the Bible no where specifically says "thou shalt not" sleep over at you significant others house, TRUE but it does talk about how it is NOT a smart idea and will more than likely TEMPT... maybe not you... but maybe the OTHER person... Think about that one for a minute. Either way, you put yourself in that
situation, you are just asking for it. I don't care how strong you are... or maybe you'll just be lucky and it will turn out fine; unless you break up first; that will be a serious heartrencher to you then won't it. All alone again, what a shame.... Who knows, maybe I am wrong here and maybe I ought to
just "try this out".... see what the big F-ing deal is. Maybe I wouldn't be so lonely anymore in my life.... maybe I'll just go find some random "nice guy" and see what happens, who cares if he's not a christian, as long as we relate and he treats me well... morals, who cares about morals. The future, who cares about the future, it doesn't matter if they have different standards than you... apparently it
will all be fine you say. But again that's your choice. Now I wonder if this should be my thinking as well, but then I think... I REFUSE to just do something becuase it will make me "feel good"
There is more to your life than feeling good... be real. Make good judgements.
Otherwise, good luck with your life. I know what I want, but the question is; do you???? I'm not going to be the one to just try out something to find out where it leads to. I will not open up
an oportunity to fall into something worse. All that to say, I will do what I want, and stick with what I believe, I will not let others influence my life--- they have tried this long enough. Don't waste your
time trying to get me to change my mind on any of this, because it WON'T happen. Learn to agree to disagree and don't force your opinion on me,if you don't, then I won't either.------This also reminds me-- I will never tell my children what to do, but will just tell them what I think is right or wrong to the best of my judgement. I will tell them what the Bible says, I will tell them where it does and does not make things clear, I will tell them that the ultimate choice is up to them and that they must research and find which path/ideas they choose to take/ agree on. I will allow them to choose their own way, even if they choose the wrong path at least they will not be angry at me for trying to force something upon them that isn’t even a for sure idea. This is one thing I've come to realize that frustrates from my past. So many others think differently than I and I wonder sometimes if I had been brought up different what I would be like today, and where'd I'd still be with certain people and situations.
Anyways, I have much more I could say about who I am, there is always more to say, but for now, this. is. me. and this is for me ----> A reminder to myself Read this when you think you have forgotten who you are or people try and get you to change. You ARE who God made you, not who
your parents think you should be, not who your friends think you should be and certainly not who the world thinks you should be.
and What do I stand for---- Most nights I don’t know…. anymoooooore or do I???
made me think that everything I had learned and been taught was wrong, and that because I was/ am very different than this person that I was not brought up "correctly." Yes it is true, I do not agree
with a lot of my upbringing, I do not think the same as my parents in many aspects. I did however
listen to them and "try" and respect what they taught me, and what they thought the Bible had to say about many a things in life... I do, or did agree, with much of what the Bible has taught, or so
called taught us... Lately however I have been questioning much. I have read books that point out certain areas in my life and viewpoints that may or may not be the best to follow. This person
basically made me question who I really am, and made me feel as though all my opinions were wrong and WHO I am is wrong and that I shouldn't be so harsh and upfront about things. I get it now, everyone is different and everyone will have a different viewpoint on everything. It doesn't really matter apparently if I am right, or they are right, or visa versa... In the end I guess God is truly the only one who really knows what is right and wrong... and apparently that is what "Free will"
is all about. Free will, the biggest mistake ever I think... and Hey, I am just being completely honest
here. I am tired of hiding my thoughts and opinions, and frankly I am tired of people
telling me that I don't know what I believe in, or what I believe in is wrong, or the fact that I even have an opinion that may differ from theirs is wrong. Very rarely will you
find me throwing my opinions on anyone and rarely will you find me judging a person..
I do, and have on occasion done this a time or two, and yes at times I have gone to far, but I am human, so what... We all make mistakes, whether big, or small. All this to say,
I DO... for the most part know who I am... or at least I used to know. I question almost everything now, and at times wonder what the point in any of it is anyways. Life is
about doing your own thing and getting what you want isn't it, even if a said "line" has to
be crossed to get there. Whatever makes you happy.... This is usually called sin, of some sort I would imagine. So this is me, this is ALL of ME This is for me and by me.. this is WHO I am, or at least who I was. Pardon my french if any is to come out, but again I am being REAL here and am not wishing to hide one single thing.
Politics- I truly hate politics, it is nothing but a bunch of bad mouthing happening toward one party to another. They all lie whether a R or a D, I most guarantee that.
Some say it is my "right" or "duty" to vote. I say "what's the point?" The world is literally going to hell in a hand basket, and I believe in Revelation, it basically talks about
how the world will keep going into a downhill spiral until Jesus returns.
Granted I do agree that on some issues I probably should have a say in them, otherwise maybe it would seem that I "agree" with them if I do not vote one way or another. I am
not entirely sure my vote counts since I am only one person, but I guess if everyone did that then it would make a difference. Also, living in
What makes me sad and angry is when people of the faith vote for and are ok with certain
issues.. issues that without a doubt are wrong. Read the Bible, anyone can see that certain
issues are right or wrong. Even a kindergartner can figure it out, unless your Bible is not
the same Bible I am reading. Granted, some things are not 100% clear, and I get that, but to be ok with the things that are, just for the sake of living your life and doing what you feel to be right... not the best idea. But like they say "Whatever floats your boat"....
Who am I to judge you on what you do or think. Just know, that if you ask me anything, and I do mean anything, I WILL tell you my opinion whether you like the answer or
not. You ask, I am telling... do not judge me for thinking so strongly on these opinions. Abortion, gay marriage, Drugs, gun control, etc etc... I'll tell you what I think, but
now, only if you ask me... which I doubt will happen, because it seems no one talks about REAL issues anymore, no one cares to tell anyone what they think, for fear of hurting
someones feelings... I am all for being honest 100% honest, and I will tell you what
I think, if it hurts you then that is not my problem. I say what I believe and I have reasons to back it. Veering away from the politics of it all.. apparently Marijuana is legal now...
maybe I'll try that out.. because according to some it's "no big deal"... And if the law says it's ok, well then it must be ok with God then also right.... Hit me up bro I need to light one up tonight. Maybe this joint will take all my heartache of this past year away---- for about 5 seconds!...
Friendships-- I value them deeply, probably more than I should. Sometimes I wonder if people realize how much I get from their friendships... I'm a "quality time" person. I have a heart for people, and I'll be honest, I have more a heart for those of the faith than I do for those not of the faith. I strive to see those people make good choices for their lives, and it is sad when they do not. Sometimes I let that
get the best of me and in turn wish I didn't care so much. But it's who I am and who God made me;
what else can I do?!?
Ealier I mentioned not agreeing with everything I grew up with, and it's true. I am fairly certain my parents probably had the best of intentions, but clearly I wonder if they just continue to pass on what
their parents told them, which their parents told from them.. and so on.. Who knows what really
is right or wrong anymore...(sorry parents-- but again I am being honest) I've been reading
a book about growing up in a Christain home, and although the author of the book was brought up in an extremely legelistic home, a lot of the book still resonated with me. Who says I can't listen to "rock" music... yes you are right, this song is NO hymn, but I like it, and it still has plently of meaning where that came from. The WORDS in my opinion are what matters. It's funny how a "softer" song can sound so apealing until you listen to the words and realize it's all about drugs,
sex and alcohol. I'm sorry, but if my Jars of Clay, or Switchfoot "Dare you to move" then so be
it... Dance away!! Oh dancing... another story in itself, and yet again another thing I was not allowed to do that was "worldy"---- along with movies, but only when at the theater(or at least for a while this
was true) Drinking, now drinking is another story-- The bible must, SOMEWHERE say very. clearly.
that this is wrong... EHHHh wrong again, I am pretty certain it says " do not get drunk on wine"
Hey, when in Rome, do as Romans do... even my pastor said that. It's all about HOW you do it I think. So it's a glorified fruit drink, will I go to hell for drinking it? I don't believe so, because
the Bible doesn't make that clear like it does with lieing, murder, hating people etc etc... Hmm reminding me; The Bible, why is it so confusing? I can honestly see why some people don't know
how to take it. It can be so incredibly clear at times, that you wonder how on earth anyone can
get it wrong, but then at other times it can be so incredibly confusing makeing you wonder what
on earth is trying to be pushed or said. I will never understand why some issues are addressed so plainly, while others are seemingly left up to us to decide. No wonder we make such poor decisions as human beings. There is a lot now that I have been questioning and wondering about myself.
Things that make me go AHHHH. Like... lets say relationships for example. Nope, the Bible no where specifically says "thou shalt not" sleep over at you significant others house, TRUE but it does talk about how it is NOT a smart idea and will more than likely TEMPT... maybe not you... but maybe the OTHER person... Think about that one for a minute. Either way, you put yourself in that
situation, you are just asking for it. I don't care how strong you are... or maybe you'll just be lucky and it will turn out fine; unless you break up first; that will be a serious heartrencher to you then won't it. All alone again, what a shame.... Who knows, maybe I am wrong here and maybe I ought to
just "try this out".... see what the big F-ing deal is. Maybe I wouldn't be so lonely anymore in my life.... maybe I'll just go find some random "nice guy" and see what happens, who cares if he's not a christian, as long as we relate and he treats me well... morals, who cares about morals. The future, who cares about the future, it doesn't matter if they have different standards than you... apparently it
will all be fine you say. But again that's your choice. Now I wonder if this should be my thinking as well, but then I think... I REFUSE to just do something becuase it will make me "feel good"
There is more to your life than feeling good... be real. Make good judgements.
Otherwise, good luck with your life. I know what I want, but the question is; do you???? I'm not going to be the one to just try out something to find out where it leads to. I will not open up
an oportunity to fall into something worse. All that to say, I will do what I want, and stick with what I believe, I will not let others influence my life--- they have tried this long enough. Don't waste your
time trying to get me to change my mind on any of this, because it WON'T happen. Learn to agree to disagree and don't force your opinion on me,if you don't, then I won't either.------This also reminds me-- I will never tell my children what to do, but will just tell them what I think is right or wrong to the best of my judgement. I will tell them what the Bible says, I will tell them where it does and does not make things clear, I will tell them that the ultimate choice is up to them and that they must research and find which path/ideas they choose to take/ agree on. I will allow them to choose their own way, even if they choose the wrong path at least they will not be angry at me for trying to force something upon them that isn’t even a for sure idea. This is one thing I've come to realize that frustrates from my past. So many others think differently than I and I wonder sometimes if I had been brought up different what I would be like today, and where'd I'd still be with certain people and situations.
Anyways, I have much more I could say about who I am, there is always more to say, but for now, this. is. me. and this is for me ----> A reminder to myself Read this when you think you have forgotten who you are or people try and get you to change. You ARE who God made you, not who
your parents think you should be, not who your friends think you should be and certainly not who the world thinks you should be.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
I will wait.....
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Cold breath exits my lungs, drifting out into the brisk mountain air. I feel as though I could scream so loudly, that this mountain would tremble. At 10,000 feet above sea level I look out into the vast that is nothing, but pure beauty. The sun shines down upon the high peaks, glistening off the snow that blankets this mountain. I close my eyes but for a moment, and although you may think it crazy, I imagine this landscape burning to the ground, burning to the ground and catching fire to everything around it. DISASTER, disaster to this something beautiful...Where did the beauty of only moments before go?
I take a moment and reflect back on my life and think... How can something once so beautiful come to an end? Why do good things have to end? Why does a God, who made this beautiful world, give, if only just to take away? What is it's purpose?
My mind then flashes quickly back, only to find a new life that has emerged from the once charred ground. "Spring" has come. Of course this new creation doesn't happen over night. This ground first, must be nurtured, and allow a healing in it's own time.
Maybe this is it's purpose?....To wait, and to grow, to "grow" in the waiting, soon to have a new life more abundant than ever before.
And I think, "Can this really ever be?"
For this new life I wait.
So then neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth. 1 Corinthians 3:7
Don’t burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don’t quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality. Romans 12:12
Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!
Psalm 27:14
Friday, November 16, 2012
To give thanks, or not to give thanks... This is my honest question.
A lot of honesty coming at you here. People have told me they missed my blogs, but this is the closest I can come at the moment...maybe this is more like a journal, but who knows.
Roughly one year ago I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I did not realize this at the time, but now I wish I had, more than anything. This last year has been the hardest
year of my life, not just for this one reason, but for many really. I've been tried, tested,
and have failed time and time again. Like anything, once you start, it is hard to stop... Good or bad, but mostly bad. I believe Satan uses that and through that we make excuses
as to why this is ok. Overtime, unless convicted by God we begin to fall into that, and make it our "normal," convincing ourselves it is ok; all the while hurting ourselves, hurting
God, and hurting others.
Turning back the clock always makes me wish I could turn back time. But then I have to
remember that everything happens for a reason, and that everything is from God. I know
I can never take back this past year, although it is something I wish for every single day, and will probably continue to think about for a long time to come. While there are so
many things that I feel I have the "right to be ungrateful for," I also must keep reminding
myself of how much I do have to be thankful for. I struggle with that "being grateful for" part(One reason I started this blog in the first place) It is amazing when you lose
something of such importance, how much you realize you took that thing for granted, and
how much one thing can turn your whole world upside down and cause you to be
ungrateful in so many other areas of life. You start to complain, and then think, and then complain some more.. then think some more, and more, and more, continuing into
that downhill spiral of being an untrusting, unloving ungrateful person, turning to things like anger, frustration, self-centeredness, bitterness, and resentment, making one confused,
miserable, sad, lonely etc etc..., Then when you can't stand it anymore
you try to "change" and you can't. I have tried now for quite a long time to "change."
I have even gone to God for this change(The place we should go)...over and over
again, but apparently that isn't what he wanted, or at least not when I wanted it.
No, it had to go even further into the depths before I could finally realize my mistakes
and choices, all of them, whether big or little, right or wrong, good or bad.. I used to be
a happy person, the happiest I had ever been really. I still had quite a few "complaints" but I sure didn't let them get the best of me. Now, I am probably the most ungrateful person
I know. Not counting my current health issues... I have a decent job, a place to live, food on my plate, a good amount of friends, family that loves me, a nice car, the ability to walk, talk, hear, see...I have a lot. Why can't I remember those things in my time of frustration. I do not know. Maybe, to be honest, it is because I really didn't asked for a single thing from that
list... I believe it was all given to me in God's timing and out of Gods love for me. I don't ask for much from God, at least not that I can think of. He has always blessed me, even before I know what I want, and before I have a clue of what I may need in the future. All in all, now that things have turned out so sour and others areas of life are questioned/ doubts arise... and I had finally asked God for a few things, they get ruined, completely and
utterly ruined, probably beyond repair. Where did my faith go, where did my trust in God go? Constant reminders of things said and done cannot be forgotten... While others are
left in their "happiness", I am left in my folly.
Deep down, I still am that same loving, caring, kind, and compassionate person; I've just seemed to misplace them...
In this time of "thanksgiving" I have found it hard to be thankful, but I must remember the small things which we take for granted on a daily basis. It is in those things we will find our utmost satisfaction.
sincerely,
the trying one
1 Thessalonians 5:18
Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
2 Corinthians 4:15-16
All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
Roughly one year ago I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I did not realize this at the time, but now I wish I had, more than anything. This last year has been the hardest
year of my life, not just for this one reason, but for many really. I've been tried, tested,
and have failed time and time again. Like anything, once you start, it is hard to stop... Good or bad, but mostly bad. I believe Satan uses that and through that we make excuses
as to why this is ok. Overtime, unless convicted by God we begin to fall into that, and make it our "normal," convincing ourselves it is ok; all the while hurting ourselves, hurting
God, and hurting others.
Turning back the clock always makes me wish I could turn back time. But then I have to
remember that everything happens for a reason, and that everything is from God. I know
I can never take back this past year, although it is something I wish for every single day, and will probably continue to think about for a long time to come. While there are so
many things that I feel I have the "right to be ungrateful for," I also must keep reminding
myself of how much I do have to be thankful for. I struggle with that "being grateful for" part(One reason I started this blog in the first place) It is amazing when you lose
something of such importance, how much you realize you took that thing for granted, and
how much one thing can turn your whole world upside down and cause you to be
ungrateful in so many other areas of life. You start to complain, and then think, and then complain some more.. then think some more, and more, and more, continuing into
that downhill spiral of being an untrusting, unloving ungrateful person, turning to things like anger, frustration, self-centeredness, bitterness, and resentment, making one confused,
miserable, sad, lonely etc etc..., Then when you can't stand it anymore
you try to "change" and you can't. I have tried now for quite a long time to "change."
I have even gone to God for this change(The place we should go)...over and over
again, but apparently that isn't what he wanted, or at least not when I wanted it.
No, it had to go even further into the depths before I could finally realize my mistakes
and choices, all of them, whether big or little, right or wrong, good or bad.. I used to be
a happy person, the happiest I had ever been really. I still had quite a few "complaints" but I sure didn't let them get the best of me. Now, I am probably the most ungrateful person
I know. Not counting my current health issues... I have a decent job, a place to live, food on my plate, a good amount of friends, family that loves me, a nice car, the ability to walk, talk, hear, see...I have a lot. Why can't I remember those things in my time of frustration. I do not know. Maybe, to be honest, it is because I really didn't asked for a single thing from that
list... I believe it was all given to me in God's timing and out of Gods love for me. I don't ask for much from God, at least not that I can think of. He has always blessed me, even before I know what I want, and before I have a clue of what I may need in the future. All in all, now that things have turned out so sour and others areas of life are questioned/ doubts arise... and I had finally asked God for a few things, they get ruined, completely and
utterly ruined, probably beyond repair. Where did my faith go, where did my trust in God go? Constant reminders of things said and done cannot be forgotten... While others are
left in their "happiness", I am left in my folly.
Deep down, I still am that same loving, caring, kind, and compassionate person; I've just seemed to misplace them...
In this time of "thanksgiving" I have found it hard to be thankful, but I must remember the small things which we take for granted on a daily basis. It is in those things we will find our utmost satisfaction.
sincerely,
the trying one
1 Thessalonians 5:18
Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
2 Corinthians 4:15-16
All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
START with the END in mind.
No matter how far you fall.... you are always STILL welcome.
Just thankful today for beautiful weather, beautiful flowers, feet to walk, good teachings, and you! :)
I know, another sermon, but hey maybe someone will take the time to listen and get something from it, you never know!
http://thecity.org/message/when_love_leads
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Thoughts to ponder:
Is the way you are living sustainable? Are we living that type of life that will lead us to the end we have in mind? Is the life you are living right now LEADING you CLOSER to the cross? Is the way we live each day, what we think, how we talk, and how we act LEADING us to the end we desire? The end God desires......
Just thankful today for beautiful weather, beautiful flowers, feet to walk, good teachings, and you! :)
I know, another sermon, but hey maybe someone will take the time to listen and get something from it, you never know!
http://thecity.org/message/when_love_leads
.JPG)
Thoughts to ponder:
Is the way you are living sustainable? Are we living that type of life that will lead us to the end we have in mind? Is the life you are living right now LEADING you CLOSER to the cross? Is the way we live each day, what we think, how we talk, and how we act LEADING us to the end we desire? The end God desires......
Monday, July 23, 2012
Waiting takes patience :)
I have been constantly reminded in the past few weeks that our Strength will rise as we WAIT upon the Lord...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdVpXFanxHg
I love sitting in nature as I watch the water rush on by. A good reminder of life really. Things come and go in life, and we must take them as they come. Those things in life that come our way, whether good or bad are meant for us to grow, grow into a new person in Christ Jesus. We are not to let it just hit us and then run off rejecting the one who has put that in our path, but reach closer, come closer to Him, The one who is ultimately in charge of our lives, or the one who should be in charge of our lives.
I am thankful and grateful for all the new and exciting possibilities that continue to come my way in life and also grateful for those that have been around awhile that continue to help me grow and seek out Christ more each day.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdVpXFanxHg
I love sitting in nature as I watch the water rush on by. A good reminder of life really. Things come and go in life, and we must take them as they come. Those things in life that come our way, whether good or bad are meant for us to grow, grow into a new person in Christ Jesus. We are not to let it just hit us and then run off rejecting the one who has put that in our path, but reach closer, come closer to Him, The one who is ultimately in charge of our lives, or the one who should be in charge of our lives.
I am thankful and grateful for all the new and exciting possibilities that continue to come my way in life and also grateful for those that have been around awhile that continue to help me grow and seek out Christ more each day.
.JPG)
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.JPG)
Also wanted to share a little poem from my friend Tyler, I think he writes well, and you should tell him! lol Hope it speaks to you as it did me. :)
“Our sufficiency is from God” 2 Corinthians 3:5
When we turn away from God
Everyone suffers
In selfishness, Weakness, Unfaithfulness
Everyone suffers
Spending time on what does not satisfy
What does not physically strengthen
What does not spiritually rejuvenate
When we are in darkness
Remain quiet
When our minds are racing with questions
Remain quiet
Wasting time seeking answers
Speaking in wrong mood
Acting in foolishness
Remain quiet
Bring our first step
our millionth step
Arise and obey in the inspiration of God
With delight and humility
Our sufficiency is from God!
OH, and no link as of yet... but when it's poted you should check out Richard's sermon from yesterday! It was great :)
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
May God open our eyes to the persistence of HIS presence.
For those of you that may have missed Easter Sunday.... Haha and for those that didn't. Random I know, but I stumbled upon this sermon today and found it a wonderful reminder, one we need to remember daily.... Of the all loving, all forgiving, all powerful, ever lasting Jesus Christ.
It's 40 minutes but great, I say you check it out!
http://www.elevationchurch.org/sermons/sevenmilemiracle/part1/audio
Also I am attaching because I love this song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvMuK-7qin0
No love is higher
No love is wider
No love is deeper
No love is truer
And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.
It's 40 minutes but great, I say you check it out!
http://www.elevationchurch.org/sermons/sevenmilemiracle/part1/audio
Also I am attaching because I love this song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvMuK-7qin0
No love is higher
No love is wider
No love is deeper
No love is truer
And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Weekend Getaways
I've realized just how much weekend gataways are needed. Whether alone or with a friend, it is good to get away from it all. I have felt stressed, overwhelmed, and so busy that I take no time for myself lately... leaving me.... stressed, overwhelmed and feeling I could have a break down at any moment. I keep telling myself to say no to things, but then find myself saying "Oh I can do this one thing, it won't be so bad." In the end when I end up doing that EVERY DAY I realize I had no "me time" let alone "God time." This IS something I really really need to work on but have no idea where to begin or how to do it. I've made quite a few commitments now in my week, and am not sure how to change it, or which are important and should not be gotten rid of. They are all equally needed in their own way in my book... Either way, I'll have to figure that out, but today I wanted to take the time and blog about my thankfulness for quick getaways, relaxation, not worrying about time whatsoever, and SUN! I have, already since returning, started to feel down and "stressed" out about the weeks and months to come. As we drove across I90 into the cloud that was looming over Seattle this evening, leaving the sun behind, I couldn't help but feel my own cloud of worry about my upcoming week and all the "busyness" it will bring. I don't really like this feeling; If only I could keep all my cares, worries, and complaints on the other side of the water. Learning how to do this, and just live life while being thankful for ALL things is my current struggle.
Here's a quick picture story of my good weekend of fun filled, do what you want, when you want activites.
Off to Eastern Washington we go, where the deserts dry and the sun is HOT!
Can't go wrong with 3 meals within 5 hours, the deals where just too good to pass!
Not only were we able to go to a free Bluegrass concert but we also were able to see the real show of the storm that just missed us.... by only a few blocks. The tail end barely hit us where we were. I LOVE storms!
Water park(aka glorified pool)
Here's a quick picture story of my good weekend of fun filled, do what you want, when you want activites.
Potholes State Park: Funny name, but a beautiful place.
Other things of the weekend that I am thankful for:
Pretty night drives over the water(picture does not really capture this moment)
The hot sun(may or may not have been this hot)
Wildlife refuge(Super pretty...along with the biggest tatpoles I've ever seen)
And lastly.... Must.Have.Yogurt.
Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Would you dare?
Words spoken directly to me this morning.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MniOtRnCO9I&feature=youtube_gdata_player
I haven't blogged in awhile; I am learning to be thankful...
Would you dare would you dare to believe, that you still have a reason to sing.
It's just the dark, before the morning.
Enjoy this day.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MniOtRnCO9I&feature=youtube_gdata_player
I haven't blogged in awhile; I am learning to be thankful...
Would you dare would you dare to believe, that you still have a reason to sing.
It's just the dark, before the morning.
Enjoy this day.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Sleepy!
The last three days I have slacked on my blogging, but have been very thankful for these three things! I have decided to combine them into one. This week I have had some nasty allergy's, or maybe it possibly was a cold, I am not sure. Either way not being able to breath, or talk was a problem. I realized I'd been taking the same allergy meds for about 6 months and so decided that maybe I had become immune to them. Other than my nasty allergy's this week I have also been having troubles sleeping again. I lie awake wondering why most of the time, but thankfully it is not nearly as bad as it used to be. Thank God I have come across the wonderful invention of the ear plug! ;) With all the "noises" that go on in and around my house, as well as the outside noises of the busy street I am so grateful for these little things. They make life so much more tolerable. If only all the problems in my life and the world could be solved by something so tiny.
So a bit random of a thankful heart, however I think we need to remember all the small things in life as well, not just the big.
"I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou, LORD, only makest me dwell in safety" (Psalm 4:8)
So a bit random of a thankful heart, however I think we need to remember all the small things in life as well, not just the big.
"I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou, LORD, only makest me dwell in safety" (Psalm 4:8)
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