Good riddance 2012.....

It's hard to believe this year has come and gone, and has ended like it's ended. I used to have so much; it's amazing the amount of things you can lose in such a short amount of time.

I've realized I wasted all of my life last year on something that would clearly never change...This kills me daily. This year I plan to change that which I know can be changed, and no longer try to fix things that oviously cannot be fixed. I will try to trust God with whatever it is that he has for me in this life, even if it isn't what I want, even though I haven't a clue what that is, or what it is He is trying to show me. I know this will not be easy, and as much as I want it, I know it will not happen overnight. I expect there to still be times of struggle and frustration ahead, but I will try to no long focus upon that. In order to heal, this must be done. I only pray that some good will come from this year, and am hoping for new beginnings in many areas of my life. Praying that God will again grant me what he once granted me a few short years ago... Life and happiness, in whatever form he chooses for that to be.

When you can't get what you want.... Make your own adventure, even if it has to be alone.



old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.

A note to me: Remember who you are.
 and What do I stand for---- Most nights I don’t know…. anymoooooore  or do I???

 

I was once told somewhere along the line that basically I "grew up" in the "wrong" way not learning about "real life" in a "real way"... Or something like that. At least this is how I perceived it. This
made me think that everything I had learned and been taught was wrong, and that because I was/ am very different than this person that I was not brought up "correctly." Yes it is true, I do not agree
with a lot of my upbringing, I do not think the same as my parents in many aspects. I did however
listen to them and "try" and respect what they taught me, and what they thought the Bible had to say about many a things in life... I do, or did agree, with much of what the Bible has taught, or so
called taught us... Lately however I have been questioning much. I have read books that point out certain areas in my life and viewpoints that may or may not be the best to follow. This person
basically made me question who I really am, and made me feel as though all my opinions were wrong and WHO I am is wrong and that I shouldn't be so harsh and upfront about things. I get it now, everyone is different and everyone will have a different viewpoint on everything. It doesn't really matter apparently if I am right, or they are right, or visa versa... In the end I guess God is truly the only one who really knows what is right and wrong... and apparently that is what "Free will"
is all about. Free will, the biggest mistake ever I think... and Hey, I am just being completely honest
here. I am tired of hiding my thoughts and opinions, and frankly I am tired of people
telling me that I don't know what I  believe in, or what I believe in is wrong, or the fact that I even have an opinion that may differ from theirs is wrong. Very rarely will you
find me throwing my opinions on anyone and rarely will you find me judging a person..
I do, and have on occasion done this a time or two, and yes at times I have gone to far, but I am human, so what... We all make mistakes, whether big, or small. All this to say,
I DO... for the most part know who I am... or at least I used to know. I question almost everything now, and at times wonder what the point in any of it is anyways. Life is
about doing your own thing and getting what you want isn't it, even if a said "line" has to
be crossed to get there. Whatever makes you happy....   This is usually called sin, of some sort I would imagine. So this is me, this is ALL of ME This is for me and by me.. this is WHO I am, or at least who I was. Pardon my french if any is to come out, but again I am being REAL here and am not wishing to hide one single thing.

 This last year has taught me so much, or really it has just made me realize what I am about. With certain issues that have formed in my life, this election year, and me

not really knowing what I want to do in life I decided to write out my thoughts and opinions on anything and everything, holding nothing back. Where to start.....
Politics- I truly hate politics, it is nothing but a bunch of bad mouthing happening toward one party to another. They all lie whether a R or a D, I most guarantee that.
Some say it is my "right" or "duty" to vote. I say "what's the point?" The world is literally going to hell in a hand basket, and I believe in Revelation, it basically talks about
how the world will keep going into a downhill spiral until Jesus returns.
Granted I do agree that on some issues I probably should have a say in them, otherwise maybe it would seem that I "agree" with them if I do not vote one way or another. I am
not entirely sure my vote counts since I am only one person, but I guess if everyone did that then it would make a difference. Also, living in Seattle there have been many laws that have changed and that were pretty much bound to happen.. even if I vote a resounding no on it. Washington is as liberal as they come, and so are the people.
What makes me sad and angry is when people of the faith vote for and are ok with certain
issues.. issues that without a doubt are wrong. Read the Bible, anyone can see that certain
issues are right or wrong. Even a kindergartner can figure it out, unless your Bible is not
the same Bible I am reading. Granted, some things are not 100% clear, and I get that, but to be ok with the things that are, just for the sake of living your life and doing what you feel to be right... not the best idea.  But like they say "Whatever floats your boat"....
Who am I to judge you on what you do or think. Just know, that if you ask me anything, and I do mean anything, I WILL tell you my opinion whether you like the answer or
not. You ask, I am telling... do not judge me for thinking so strongly on these opinions. Abortion, gay marriage, Drugs, gun control, etc etc... I'll tell you what I think, but
now, only if you ask me... which I doubt will happen, because it seems no one talks about REAL issues anymore, no one cares to tell anyone what they think, for fear of hurting
someones feelings... I am all for being honest 100% honest, and I will tell you what
I think, if it hurts you then that is not my problem. I say what I believe and I have reasons to back it. Veering away from the politics of it all.. apparently Marijuana is legal now...
maybe I'll try that out.. because according to some it's "no big deal"... And if the law says it's ok, well then it must be ok with God then also right.... Hit me up bro I need to light one up tonight. Maybe this joint will take all my heartache of this past year away---- for about 5 seconds!...


Friendships-- I value them deeply, probably more than I should. Sometimes I wonder if people realize how much I get from their friendships... I'm a "quality time" person. I have a heart for people, and I'll be honest, I have more a heart for those of the faith than I do for those not of the faith. I strive to see those people make good choices for their lives, and it is sad when they do not. Sometimes I let that
get the best of me and in turn wish I didn't care so much. But it's who I am and who God made me;
what else can I do?!?

Ealier I mentioned not agreeing with everything I grew up with, and it's true. I am fairly certain my parents probably had the best of intentions, but clearly I wonder if they just continue to pass on what
their parents told them, which their parents told from them.. and so on.. Who knows what really
is right or wrong anymore...(sorry parents-- but again I am being honest)  I've been reading
a book about growing up in a Christain home, and although the author of the book was brought up in an extremely legelistic home, a lot of the book still resonated with me. Who says I can't listen to "rock" music... yes you are right, this song is NO hymn, but I like it, and it still has plently of meaning where that came from. The WORDS in my opinion are what matters. It's funny how a "softer" song can sound so apealing until you listen to the words and realize it's all about drugs,
sex and alcohol. I'm sorry, but if my Jars of Clay, or Switchfoot "Dare you to move" then so be
it... Dance away!! Oh dancing... another story in itself, and yet again another thing I was not allowed to do that was "worldy"---- along with movies, but only when at the theater(or at least for a while this
was true) Drinking, now drinking is another story-- The bible must, SOMEWHERE say very. clearly.
that this is wrong... EHHHh wrong again, I am pretty certain it says " do not get drunk on wine"
Hey, when in Rome, do as Romans do... even my pastor said that. It's all about HOW you do it I think. So it's a glorified fruit drink, will I go to hell for drinking it? I don't believe so, because
the Bible doesn't make that clear like it does with lieing, murder, hating people etc etc... Hmm reminding me; The Bible, why is it so confusing? I can honestly see why some people don't know
how to take it. It can be so incredibly clear at times, that you wonder how on earth anyone can
get it wrong, but then at other times it can be so incredibly confusing makeing you wonder what
on earth is trying to be pushed or said. I will never understand why some issues are addressed so plainly, while others are seemingly left up to us to decide. No wonder we make such poor decisions as human beings. There is a lot now that I have been questioning and wondering about myself.
Things that make me go AHHHH. Like... lets say relationships for example. Nope, the Bible no where specifically says "thou shalt not" sleep over at you significant others house, TRUE but it does talk about how it is NOT a smart idea and will more than likely TEMPT... maybe not you... but maybe the OTHER person... Think about that one for a minute. Either way, you put yourself in that
situation, you are just asking for it. I don't care how strong you are... or maybe you'll just be lucky and it will turn out fine; unless you break up first; that will be a serious heartrencher to you then won't it. All alone again, what a shame....  Who knows, maybe I am wrong here and maybe I ought to
just "try this out".... see what the big F-ing deal is. Maybe I wouldn't be so lonely anymore in my life.... maybe I'll just go find some random "nice guy" and see what happens, who cares if he's not a christian, as long as we relate and he treats me well... morals, who cares about morals. The future, who cares about the future, it doesn't matter if they have different standards than you... apparently it
will all be fine you say. But again that's your choice. Now I wonder if this should be my thinking as well, but then I think... I REFUSE to just do something becuase it will make me "feel good"
There is more to your life than feeling good... be real. Make good judgements.
Otherwise, good luck with your life. I know what I want, but the question is; do you???? I'm not going to be the one to just try out something to find out where it leads to. I will not open up
an oportunity to fall into something worse. All that to say, I will do what I want, and stick with what I believe, I will not let others influence my life--- they have tried this long enough. Don't waste your
time trying to get me to change my mind on any of this, because it WON'T happen. Learn to agree to disagree and don't force your opinion on me,if you don't, then I won't either.------This also reminds me-- I will never tell my children what to do, but will just tell them what I think is right or wrong to the best of my judgement. I will tell them what the Bible says, I will tell them where it does and does not make things clear, I will tell them that the ultimate choice is up to them and that they must research and find which path/ideas they choose to take/ agree on. I will allow them to choose their own way, even if they choose the wrong path at least they will not be angry at me for trying to force something upon them that isn’t even a for sure idea. This is one thing I've come to realize that frustrates from my past. So many others think differently than I and I wonder sometimes if I had been brought up different what I would be like today, and where'd I'd still be with certain people and situations.

 Anyways, I have much more I could say about who I am, there is always more to say, but for now, this. is. me.   and this is for me ----> A reminder to myself Read this when you think you have forgotten who you are or people try and get you to change. You ARE who God made you, not who
your parents think you should be, not who your friends think you should be and certainly not who the world thinks you should be.

I will wait.....

Cold breath exits my lungs, drifting out into the brisk mountain air. I feel as though I could scream so loudly, that this mountain would tremble. At 10,000 feet above sea level I look out into the vast that is nothing, but pure beauty. The sun shines down upon the high peaks, glistening off the snow that blankets this mountain. I close my eyes but for a moment, and although you may think it crazy, I imagine this landscape burning to the ground, burning to the ground and catching fire to everything around it. DISASTER, disaster to this something beautiful...Where did the beauty of only moments before go?

 

I take a moment and reflect back on my life and think... How can something once so beautiful come to an end? Why do good things have to end? Why does a God, who made this beautiful world, give, if only just to take away? What is it's purpose?

 

My mind then flashes quickly back, only to find a new life that has emerged from the once charred ground. "Spring" has come.  Of course this new creation doesn't happen over night. This ground first, must be nurtured, and allow a healing in it's own time.

 

Maybe this is it's purpose?....To wait, and to grow, to "grow" in the waiting, soon to have a new life more abundant than ever before.

 

And I think, "Can this really ever be?"

 

 

 

For this new life I wait.

 

 

So then neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth.  1 Corinthians 3:7

 

Don’t burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don’t quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality.   Romans 12:12

 

Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!

Psalm 27:14