All things funny for English Class

I wrote this "paper" and received a ✅➕➕. Haha what do you think? 

For those of you that won't like the last line- that's precisely my point :)

Where's the morning... I see only mourning.

I have discovered that I am so so bitter. Actually I have known this for awhile now.... I tried to push it away and tell myself this is not true. But I am bitter, very bitter, towards God, towards people "i used to know," and even others that I still "know." My last few posts, and surprisingly a reading from school showed me this. Bitterness is the root of all bitterness.... it is never ending, and will not satisfy your soul, but will keep asking for more... taking everything. Including Joy.  Church today also made me think and look real hard into my life. I have no self control in certain areas. Actually I should say I do have some self control otherwise I would say and do way more than I already do. I blurt things out to the world at times... and I don't know why. But on the other hand I hold SO much inside. I have been hurt, royally hurt, excruciatingly hurt.. and continue to allow myself to still get hurt it seems, every time I turn around. Others I used to love hurt me and God hurt me. I have felt he has let me down. And not just a little, but a whole whole lot. Someone says God does not let us down but that He continually loves us. While I agree that he continually loves us, what does that have anything to do with him letting us down, or not letting us down. A million times I have asked him for something and a million times it has not happened. Now I know you say "you can't always get what you want" and that God is not a vending machine... I'll agree with that... However, before you go and again say that to my face, maybe you should ask just what exactly I am asking for. Then you would find that I am being let down, or at least you can see why I think I am being let down. God does what he wants, when he wants... what he is doing in my life... I see NO reason for it. The only thing I see it doing is EATING AWAY AT ME. If you want to kill me I'd prefer a quick short death and not something that drags on and on. This is ridiculous.

I try very hard to not be bitter, but find myself literally time and time again cursing at the one who has given me life. For I find that I have no real life in Him now, and that the life I once had is gone.. now to just be continually thrown back into my face. How can I not be bitter? How can I trust God? What is the point? I see none. I know to curse him is bad, but I also know he can take it, and I also know he already knows my heart before I ever even go there out loud, or in my head. "Curse God and die," was what Job's wife told him to do... Well I feel that even if he had cursed God, he surely would not have died.... which may very well be exactly what he wanted.

A song that keeps playing is "Before the Morning" it starts:

" Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you
If there's a God who loves you, where is He now?..."

and this is exactly what I wonder, every. day.- Where is God?

"Would you dare, would you dare to believe, That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you've been feeling, it can't compare to the joy that's coming..."

and that is what I can't believe. I had it good, and now that good is gone. I can't imagine it to ever
be better than it once was.... not a single bit.- What was so wrong with the before??

"Oh the pain that you've been feeling, is just the dark, before the morning."

and this "night" has been a million nights- Where is the morning?!??


Another song that won't stop playing on the radio is one they also play at church. I try to believe it
I try to sing along. Every time I start I choke up and then have to stop. I guess I don't fully agree with
this one either....

It's more about love never failing; I still don't get what this has to do with our trials... and his allowing
them.... ok so He loves me... so why then does he keep shoving things in my face. The chasm is far to
wide I can't believe I'll ever reach the other side. The wind is strong and the waters deep, the oceans rage.... your love never fails.... again how does his love have anything to do with trials? "You make all things work together for my good"  I'm not seeing it.- Where is it? The good? The joy in the morning?  You make all. things. work together for my good??

I am waiting.

Hate today and most days...

You may think of me as strange, messed up, annoying.... But I dont care. I hate today. The 26th of every month is a reminder of that.... Every time it comes around means another month has yet gone by... Another month WASTED. While you sit there in your "happy" little bubble of a life I continue to struggle with life. You say I have nothing to complain about... Try me. 7 months of my life... Wasted. In fact I am beginning to feel that the past 3 years of my life was for nothing. It was good... But I think now, none of it was worth it. Only heartache came from it. What a waste what a waste what a waste. Please stop pretending you give a _____ about me... I try so hard to not care, to not "go there" Itell myself you are just screwing with me again... And sure enough you are. Why do you get everything.... And what makes you think it's fair. FML---- I hope it RAINS on you....

Enter only if you dare, otherwise I recommend you not to.

*Since when did it become unacceptable for me to simply thank someone for something they have done, and tell them I appreciate them??!!
*Since when did it become unacceptable for me to be able to share my feelings, or how I feel, but others can?!
*Since when is it acceptable for you to push your beliefs and opinion on me, but when you ask what I think my answers are, my honest answers are unacceptable to you.
*Since when is it ALL ABOUT YOU and can't at all be about me?!
*Since when is it acceptable for someone to burn the bridge between you without valid reason, yet still try and "build" that bridge back again.... Only to continually tear it back down barely five minutes later. Make up your mind already.. Please. How is it at all acceptable, kind even, for one to do such a thing. What do you want from me?.... Or is not what you want from me, or what you may get out of it, but what you can steal from me?? Peace, happiness...Since when is it acceptable not only for you to burn the bridge, pick it back up and then burn it again and again.. All the while telling me nothing that i want to hear, but only thethings I do not wish to hear(because you think its a good idea)things you know good and well I do not want to hear, and really, do not even matter. Again, what is it you want from me? If you only do these things to try and kill me, you are doing a good job. If you are only doing these things to hurt me and make me jealous, again you are doing a good job. You can stop at any time.
*Since when is it unacceptable for me to, share feelings over blog or Facebook?! *Since when is it acceptable for you to always respond to what I say instead of just listen...
*Since when is it that I am always wrong and need to "check myself?" If you had the problems I had, you would understand.... But instead, you don't try to seem to understand, and I am left feeling empty and alone...yet again.
*Since when is it acceptable or fair for one to tell me some story or reason as to how and why somethig is happening... When I do not care. Why do you think I would care. Live your life and leave me alone please... Unless of course you choose to be genuine and actually make an effort to care about me and my feelings.
*Since when is it fair that 90% of those I care for do not reciprocate those feelings back anymore, but deny that I basically even exsist.
*Since when is it acceptable again... For you to pretend you care, when you do not... Or when it is only "convenient for you to do so?!" Since when did this become an appropriate thing to do to someone. I don't care how "busy" you are with life.... Either treat me as a friend or don't. Do not just drop me off at the end of the earth amd then lead me on into thinking you care. No, I will no longer send you emails, texts, cards, birthday wishes until I see that you actually appreciate them. It's like I never knew you. What ever did I do to you? I see now how I must have initiated everything. I'll never do that again... Probably with no one. I will not risk getting hurt or let down by those that do not truly care about me in the first place. I respect your feelings... Whatever those are... Why can't you respect mine??

So many questions I have that will always and forever be unanswered. How unfair is this??.... This life that has been placed before me; sure, lots of folks have much less than I, but to be given something and to have that ripped away, it's cruel, cruel and unusual punishment. A lesson I'd rarer not have to learn(whatever that "lesson" may be) If its going to be taken away then don't give it to me in the first place. Better yet, if you are going to "take it," then take it.... Please don't continually punish and haunt me for what I am trying to not remember.
And "not remember" is something that will never happen.... Because someone won't let me forget... Or maybe like they say it will just take time. My calculations tell me it has been____ amount of time. So I still have time left before I can forget and move on.

Don't mind me, as you can tell I am in a mood today. It is April 22nd 2013 and I am remembering this time last year.... And the year before.... And the year before that. A lot has come and gone between now and then, maybe this time next yr this will all be over. For now I'll just continue to rant when I feel the need too. Don't worry about me- someday this will all be over and then I shall be happy. WOOT

"bad life choices" are not always bad.

March 23rd 2013---
 I wrote this, last Saturday but never got around to posting.

Today I got a tattoo... A cross on my left wrist. As I sat there and watched Neil tattoo it on me, we discussed life. I could tell he was extremely bitter about his life, his job, his past and those around him. He asked if I was nervous about the tattoo, and why I wanted it. Honestly, I told him I wasn't sure as to my reasoning's, but was working on it. At first I thought maybe it was to "rebel," or maybe to state just who I am and what I believe in. Not until a few hours later while sitting in a Fred Meyer parking lot did I realize the reasoning behind my wanting the tattoo. I believe the talk with Neil, my appointment earlier that morning, as well as other hints throughout the day, made me see my true reasoning for wanting this permanent symbol upon my wrist. I stared at it for probably 10 minutes just thinking and praying...

 It seems I have lost myself this past year... Right when I thought I was starting to "know myself" I completely lost it, or maybe just "misplaced" me. I still don't know where I went... :) This is the journey I am currently on... "re finding" myself and being OK with who I am, what I believe in, and what I strive to be. Allowing myself to be me, and not to allow others to try and tell me different.

 I want this tattoo to be a constant reminder of my last year. Everything I have lost, everything I have gained, heartaches and all. I've lost a lot of me, but I've also grown to find a lot of a "new" me as well... Who I am, what I was, and who I want to continue to be. I hope it will be a daily reminder of God's love for me, and His control over my life, if I let Him have all of it. I don't know what is next for me... in any area of my life, in fact, I give up trying to figure it out. God brings things your way, and then he takes them away. I guess only He knows why those things happen. I know what I want, but if it's not what God wants, then so be it. May He take all the longings and desires I have away, and do his work. I will not let what has gotten me down, bring me down any longer. I'd like to think that my constant thoughts will change things... BUT THEY WON'T. It only makes things worse.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, this has been, and will continue to be a hard process. I am not one to just "give up" and move on. But this is also my downfall. To give up and move on sounds like a terrible thing to do. But I need to also remember that "giving up" is more a "giving over" to God. And you have to be OK with whatever that answer is, whatever the outcome... even if you don't want it. I feel like if you really want to make something work, you HAVE  to keep trying... You can't give up.. Even if it is hard, if you know its right... it's what you must do. I pray every time I see the cross, I will be reminded of this. This new and uncertain path that I have chosen.... the path God has chosen for me, as rocky as it may be.

I'll admit it, I am still angry/disappointed at God. I still have a million unanswered questions. As much as I want to give up, and am not really sure I want to follow God anymore, I also know now is the time to completely trust Him. I just need to figure out how to do this. I have spent a lot of time lately trying to run from God... yet he keeps reeling me back in.. and it works, because I know that nothing will change His mind and in the end what he says apparently is what goes. 

This cross will be a sign, a sign of trust, a sign of love, forgiveness, mercy and grace... a new beginning. I imagine the cross as a "T" for trusting in the one who knows best. In hoping I trust in Him every day.

 

Rice Krispies

Dear flakes--- I love how you make me feel so unimportant. Thanks. How was I so blind into thinking that you cared.





38 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’[a] 39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.

Intriguing Series

Another good sermon from yesterdays "sex talk"  from the sermon series: "Pursuit of Intimacy in a Broken World.

"Your sexual ethic is never just about you."


Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For


Thanks Richard

Another one bites the dust

Normally I wouldn't write about this type of thing... however something really caught my attention in this and it made me think/wonder about many things having to do with the so called "dating scene."

Why do we date...?? Is it in hopes to meet that special someone, someone whom we can possibly share the rest of our lives with, someone who makes us laugh, someone we can relate too? Someone we can share all our deepest and darkest secrets with? Maybe it's someone we can have fun with, or treats us nice... or maybe we are are just so co-dependant and being with someone makes us feel good, or special.. maybe we are hoping to marry them, start a family, or maybe we are just in it for the ride..(a good time) maybe they are right for us, maybe they are wrong for us... maybe its a little bit of both.

Whatever the reason for dating, and whether our intentions are good or bad I believe this is something almost all of us long for..... That person we can share our deepest heart with, someone that "gets us" someone we can call our best friend, someone whom we can have fights and struggles with, yet is WILLING to go through that with you in hopes that things come out better at the end. As a christian girl, someone who loves God and is concerned about whom I end up with in life I think about a lot of this stuff daily. Who and what is the "right" for me. I don't just want someone who I have a thing or two in common with, and I don't just want someone who is good looking, super intelligent or makes a lot of money. I don't just want someone that makes me "feel good" at all the right times. Honestly, after yesterday, I find that you CAN find that in non christian... but don't get me wrong... there is more to it than just "feeling good." I believe you have to think of the big picture, and not just where you are "in the moment" or in a year from now... I try to imagine myself, and that future person raising children, having a family, having good morals(the same morals) etc etc  I'm sure there are a lot of guys out there who have a lot of these qualities... but in the end what really matters? As I search(or don't search) that is what I ask myself.

I find it crazy that a man can be amazing, yet so wrong at the same time... this makes me hope that there really is still someone out there for me that has all the "right" qualities I am looking for, and not just someone who has a "good majority" of them. It's crazy how I have found that in non christian guys as of late. They have everything except the one thing that matters most.. I find it crazy that they are so willing to be honest about you, and about how they feel... and that they will actually ask you out... In my experience.. the typical "church guy" doesn't do this... it is soo strange to me why this is. I guess what really gets me also is when they are not honest when it comes to "wanting to hang out again"  or where they'd like to see the relationship go next. Non Christians are straight up serious about what they want, or the potential they see or don't see in the relationship. What is it that Christian men are so afraid of with honesty?!  Please don't think I am "bashing" those of you out there who I know... This really isn't what I am getting at. It's just amazing how hard it is to find someone... who doesn't want to just "sleep around" (even if it is just with one person) or who actually takes their faith seriously and isn't just a hypocrite about it... someone who knows what they want, someone who is honest with you, and with God.. someone who makes mistakes and is willing to admit it.. to know that they and you are not perfect.

I could actually probably go on and on about the "dating thing" but I'll refrain.... this is just the wanderings of my mind as of late.... and things I question...


Sincerely,
the waiting one(in MANY areas of my life)    I'd rather wait--- than waste time dating--the wrong one

So I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
That tethered mind free from the lies

But I'll kneel down
Wait for now
I'll kneel down
Know my ground

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow

Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you


A common-unity; the state of "common" interests

While this was originally a blog to help an ungrateful person see every area in which one could be grateful, I've decided it is now just a place to blog about the matters of ones heart and soul. Like I said in my new years blog, this year WILL be different.

Much has been on my mind as of late, but one thing that stands out to me most is my longing for Community. The topic at church for the next few months is on Intimacy and Community, and how we as humans have been created to take part in both of these. As Christians, I feel a good community is a life giving opportunity we have the privilege to partake in. A place to get to know each other, a place to have fun, a place to share, a place to go deeper. I myself, until now, have never realized just how much this can mean to a person, to a group as a whole, and how much one can give and receive while being a part of this gift from God. It is not something you can get from ONE person alone, but a group of intentional people having common bonds. It seems at times, we never realize what we have till it's gone.

I've honestly never had to "search" for community, it has always fallen into my lap.
It's that person that:

*Stalks you via FaceBook and then becomes a life long friend.

*Youv'e barely just met who share's an umbrella with you in the freezing rain.

* You meet at Happy Hour over a beer, and years later having them give you words of wisdom and    encouragement, in time of crisis, confusion, heartache and struggle.

* Happens to have a "crush" on the same person as you and becoming best friends instantly.

* You randomly throw gummy worms at who later becomes your roommate.

* You rarely get the chance to talk to, but ALWAYS wants to know how YOU are doing.

It's people like these that  you want , and hope to know..... forever.


I thank God for always having brought me just what I need, when I need it, because searching for it can be exhausting, and having the real thing I believe, can sometimes take a lifetime. I long for a place to "call home" a place where one can feel free to say what they think, to share the deepest darkest "secrets" a place to feel loved no matter what, no matter who you are or what you have done. I think this is always something that I have been wanting and searching for my whole life. A place to love, and feel loved, a place to serve and be served, a place to grow, as well as help others grow. I don't know about you, but this is what I long for. I feel people these days may say they want this, but in the end I don't think they know what it truely means. I don't think people are willing to be that open, that vulnerable, for fear of what others might think.

Today I thank God for the cummunity I once had, and I pray that God will again bring me this kind of community, joy, happiness,friendships, and intimacy.



A common unity that is CHRIST

 

 

John 13:34-35

So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples."
                                                                    Romans 12:9-10
Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.

Philippians 2:4

                          Don't look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.

All things..... good?

  Today I thank God.. for the friends I have lost, times once shared, men I have not dated... and whatever it is that is still yet to come my way. Here's hoping for the best, but if not, then so be it.

 

 

 

Cause I need Freedom now                                                            You've gotta get up and

And I need to know how                                                                 Try try try

To live my life as it's meant to be

                                                                                                         Gotta get up and try try try

And I will hold on hope 

And I won't let you choke

On the noose around your neck

 

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

Romans 8:28

The Message (MSG)

^26-28 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves