I wrote this, last Saturday but never got around to posting.
Today I got a tattoo... A cross on my left wrist. As I sat there and watched Neil tattoo it on me, we discussed life. I could tell he was extremely bitter about his life, his job, his past and those around him. He asked if I was nervous about the tattoo, and why I wanted it. Honestly, I told him I wasn't sure as to my reasoning's, but was working on it. At first I thought maybe it was to "rebel," or maybe to state just who I am and what I believe in. Not until a few hours later while sitting in a Fred Meyer parking lot did I realize the reasoning behind my wanting the tattoo. I believe the talk with Neil, my appointment earlier that morning, as well as other hints throughout the day, made me see my true reasoning for wanting this permanent symbol upon my wrist. I stared at it for probably 10 minutes just thinking and praying...
It seems I have lost myself this past year... Right when I thought I was starting to "know myself" I completely lost it, or maybe just "misplaced" me. I still don't know where I went... :) This is the journey I am currently on... "re finding" myself and being OK with who I am, what I believe in, and what I strive to be. Allowing myself to be me, and not to allow others to try and tell me different.
I want this tattoo to be a constant reminder of my last year. Everything I have lost, everything I have gained, heartaches and all. I've lost a lot of me, but I've also grown to find a lot of a "new" me as well... Who I am, what I was, and who I want to continue to be. I hope it will be a daily reminder of God's love for me, and His control over my life, if I let Him have all of it. I don't know what is next for me... in any area of my life, in fact, I give up trying to figure it out. God brings things your way, and then he takes them away. I guess only He knows why those things happen. I know what I want, but if it's not what God wants, then so be it. May He take all the longings and desires I have away, and do his work. I will not let what has gotten me down, bring me down any longer. I'd like to think that my constant thoughts will change things... BUT THEY WON'T. It only makes things worse.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, this has been, and will continue to be a hard process. I am not one to just "give up" and move on. But this is also my downfall. To give up and move on sounds like a terrible thing to do. But I need to also remember that "giving up" is more a "giving over" to God. And you have to be OK with whatever that answer is, whatever the outcome... even if you don't want it. I feel like if you really want to make something work, you HAVE to keep trying... You can't give up.. Even if it is hard, if you know its right... it's what you must do. I pray every time I see the cross, I will be reminded of this. This new and uncertain path that I have chosen.... the path God has chosen for me, as rocky as it may be.
I'll admit it, I am still angry/disappointed at God. I still have a million unanswered questions. As much as I want to give up, and am not really sure I want to follow God anymore, I also know now is the time to completely trust Him. I just need to figure out how to do this. I have spent a lot of time lately trying to run from God... yet he keeps reeling me back in.. and it works, because I know that nothing will change His mind and in the end what he says apparently is what goes.
This cross will be a sign, a sign of trust, a sign of love, forgiveness, mercy and grace... a new beginning. I imagine the cross as a "T" for trusting in the one who knows best. In hoping I trust in Him every day.
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