I have discovered that I am so so bitter. Actually I have known this for awhile now.... I tried to push it away and tell myself this is not true. But I am bitter, very bitter, towards God, towards people "i used to know," and even others that I still "know." My last few posts, and surprisingly a reading from school showed me this. Bitterness is the root of all bitterness.... it is never ending, and will not satisfy your soul, but will keep asking for more... taking everything. Including Joy. Church today also made me think and look real hard into my life. I have no self control in certain areas. Actually I should say I do have some self control otherwise I would say and do way more than I already do. I blurt things out to the world at times... and I don't know why. But on the other hand I hold SO much inside. I have been hurt, royally hurt, excruciatingly hurt.. and continue to allow myself to still get hurt it seems, every time I turn around. Others I used to love hurt me and God hurt me. I have felt he has let me down. And not just a little, but a whole whole lot. Someone says God does not let us down but that He continually loves us. While I agree that he continually loves us, what does that have anything to do with him letting us down, or not letting us down. A million times I have asked him for something and a million times it has not happened. Now I know you say "you can't always get what you want" and that God is not a vending machine... I'll agree with that... However, before you go and again say that to my face, maybe you should ask just what exactly I am asking for. Then you would find that I am being let down, or at least you can see why I think I am being let down. God does what he wants, when he wants... what he is doing in my life... I see NO reason for it. The only thing I see it doing is EATING AWAY AT ME. If you want to kill me I'd prefer a quick short death and not something that drags on and on. This is ridiculous.
I try very hard to not be bitter, but find myself literally time and time again cursing at the one who has given me life. For I find that I have no real life in Him now, and that the life I once had is gone.. now to just be continually thrown back into my face. How can I not be bitter? How can I trust God? What is the point? I see none. I know to curse him is bad, but I also know he can take it, and I also know he already knows my heart before I ever even go there out loud, or in my head. "Curse God and die," was what Job's wife told him to do... Well I feel that even if he had cursed God, he surely would not have died.... which may very well be exactly what he wanted.
A song that keeps playing is "Before the Morning" it starts:
" Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you
If there's a God who loves you, where is He now?..."
and this is exactly what I wonder, every. day.- Where is God?
"Would you dare, would you dare to believe, That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you've been feeling, it can't compare to the joy that's coming..."
and that is what I can't believe. I had it good, and now that good is gone. I can't imagine it to ever
be better than it once was.... not a single bit.- What was so wrong with the before??
"Oh the pain that you've been feeling, is just the dark, before the morning."
and this "night" has been a million nights- Where is the morning?!??
Another song that won't stop playing on the radio is one they also play at church. I try to believe it
I try to sing along. Every time I start I choke up and then have to stop. I guess I don't fully agree with
this one either....
It's more about love never failing; I still don't get what this has to do with our trials... and his allowing
them.... ok so He loves me... so why then does he keep shoving things in my face. The chasm is far to
wide I can't believe I'll ever reach the other side. The wind is strong and the waters deep, the oceans rage.... your love never fails.... again how does his love have anything to do with trials? "You make all things work together for my good" I'm not seeing it.- Where is it? The good? The joy in the morning? You make all. things. work together for my good??
I am waiting.
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